Glamourous Lies

Missing him

2008-06-02T08:46:00.001-07:00

I really can't forget J. I just "spoke" to him for quite awhile. First via text message then IM online. I really miss hearing his voice... It has been so long since we properly talked. And i took it all for granted..
The last time was when he told me he was leaving me.

After that was the few times when i called him, in tears, trying to tell him to come back.

I still cry.. but not as bad. I was telling my friend that it's a different kind of pain now.

At first it's like a fresh wound... Stinging and really painful on the surface. But later on when it becomes a scar, the pain changes. Not as painful in the sense that i can't control myself from crying or stop thinking about him.. but just one that hurts me from deep down. It's like a memory i struggle to hold on to, trying to remember every single detail, but yet i can't forget having it.

I don't know what the future has in store for both of us.. i only hope we can be together again. Just now he told me he probably will go to the US or Australia to further his studies after army. And might continue to live there after that. Well there's nothing to hold him back as he isn't even from here in the first place.... I know life will be better.... There are good and bad points.. But well. I hope i'm not left behind.

Well i have about one year to try and salvage things. I have sort of resigned to it, but i will not give up. Not sure how to go about winning him back, given he doesn't want to see me and all..
Sighs... If only he would just give it another chance.

I miss him so much. It hurts so badly.

Anyway i am on medical leave now.... Haven't been very well.

It's late now. Time to get to sleep. Goodnight, world.

Next week

2008-04-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'll be going on a short vacation with B. The idea is very romantic... my heart is with him but somehow when i'm not with him my mind keeps on wandering. To.. guess who?
I miss him badly. But honestly given a chance right now to patch things up, i'm not sure what i'll choose. But i know that definitely if i could rewind time and change things, i definitely would.
There is a difference.

Can't wait for next week though. I might as well be happy right?

Better

2008-04-10T06:50:00.000-07:00

Still hurting, but healing.
Been a busy week so far, glad that tomorrow is Friday. However weekends seem empty to me nowadays.
Dissatisfied with family life.. and as for friends, somehow i don't seem very enthusiastic but i have decided to make an effort.
I realise i no longer have the energy to party hard - all of it is going to my work which is not even fulfilling. I will probably quit soon and go back to studying however i am rather used to having a salary which i can spend on myself as compared to allowance, not that my salary is big but it's better than allowance actually. When i go back to studying i might just feel restricted.
Neither do i want to waste my youth.
What should i do?

An open letter to you which you don't even know about

2008-03-20T07:55:00.001-07:00

Dear J,

I miss you so much. I never thought i'd say this ever but it hurts, so much.
I love you more than you can ever imagine. You've said something like that to me before, i wonder if it still stands?
When i hear from you through text messages you have no idea how glad i feel, for that moment.
You seem happy without me, i guess you're coping real well. I wonder if it was selfish of you to leave me, given the reasons you stated. But i guess it was all my fault. It's true you don't realise what you have till you lose it. And i've learnt.
If i ever get one more chance i'll be so different. I wish we get a chance to start over again. I hope it's not the end for us. I'm hanging on to the hope that we'll be together again in the future. I don't know how possible that is....
But i know how my heart.
I wish you happiness in whichever path you choose. Please take care.

Love,
The Girl You Used To Know

Two days of medical leave

2008-03-19T04:09:00.000-07:00

I have so much to say but everytime i try to organise my thoughts i seem to have difficulty. It's like it only makes sense as a jumble in my head.

I was on MC, yesterday and today. However was practically working the whole day from home because i had to compile something urgently, and i got so stressed out.. I took it out on B a little. Feel rather bad about it. B is really good to me, he didn't even retaliate but instead tried to assure and calm me down even. He is really a good person.

I realise now that another reason why i took it out on B was that i just miss J so much. I haven't stopped crying over him and most of the time i block it out and don't address the pain so i guess i will be taking a very long time to get over him.

I'm not prepared to give up what i have with B but somehow i have doubts that we'll work out well. It's as if i'm settling for second best, what i don't have a choice anyway.

I know all this sounds kind of mean, but don't get me wrong, it's not like i'm using B either, i generally have an interest in him.

I'm really glad for J that his army life is working out well. He gets to book out everyday and is holding a good post too.. i'm just really happy that he seems to be happy. Since the break up i haven't spoken to him on the phone, but the occasional texts ( very brief and not really very friendly in general ) and his blog entries ( occasional and not very detailed ) tell me that he is happy, carefree and has time to do what he wants now.

I am unable to let go of him really, it's so unfair to B and that is why i have tried to break it off with him, but he is persistent. He has told me he has not felt this way about anyone before and that he can't just end things like that. Maybe time will help, i will give it a chance.

Anyway, today i'm feeling much better. I apologised to B today for my bad attitude yesterday. I will try to manage my expectations and other's expectations like what he said, work is only work i can't let it take over my life.

Came back from a family dinner held at a chinese restaurant near my house, it was a good dinner. Nice catching up with them a little. I have made a mental note to put effort in my family relationships and just bothering a little more, i know it will make a difference.

I'm also trying to get in touch with my spiritual and religious life. I seem to have drifted away after my confirmation at age 15-16, ironically. It was when i realised i was unfamiliar and that i didn't feel the same way towards the faith as my then-boyfriend, who really surprised me. And that was it, i don't know why, i was young and impressionable, and i felt a bit left out and scared.
So now, the first thing to do is to go to church regularly and keep all the days of obligations.

Still figuring out the rest of my education! Should i go overseas? What should i study? Should i continue with this job for awhile more?

So many questions! Problems are indeed awaiting solutions....
Hmmm....

Anyway, i am quite glad that Friday is a public holiday.

To be continued

2008-03-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

It seems like my emotional psyche is steering to the question of 'should i let myself be loved by the one who really loves me or should i continue reserving a space in my heart for the one i love?

To think that while i had the choice between both, icould have prevented this question from arising by choosing to stop venturing into the problem and settle for what i have. ( Taking theory from "ignorance is bliss" and reasoning it out to remaining blissful and ignorant of someone else. )

But if i hadn't, how would i know which is right?

And the result is that now i'm left with only one, and unanswered with an ongoing suspense.

Well i'm left with the one who loves me and you may say that it's not a bad thing at all, which i have to agree it isn't, however i feel something is missing. B may treat me better but it just isn't the same. At one stage i even contemplated on not dating B anymore just in the name of fairness. However now if J wants to come back to me and asks if i would like that as well, i honestly do not know the answer.

Sounds like a confused girl who can't make up her mind even when she is forced to? Well, this is where i have to draw the line between hope and reality. And coming to terms with what i want vs what i can't live with - and what i have to compromise vs my feelings.

Leaving you behind

2008-02-03T07:14:00.000-08:00

I think i have given up trying to get J back. It's not that i am quitting, but i know him so well and i know that he is serious. As a follower of his head over heart, if he had made up his mind to move on he will, despite still being in love with me. It has caused me more pain and heartache than i have ever experienced. Not being able to eat or concentrate on things properly came part of the package.

I don't intend to use B either. I'm not that kind of girl who needs someone there and just because someone broke up with me i go to another. I don't know if i truly like him in the first place. I do admit that i have butterflies in my stomach and feel very happy with him. Perhaps something beautiful might happen. Maybe i was holding back because of J. But again, i don't want to fall in love on the rebound.

The other day i was talking to my colleague and i told her i'm really sad because the person i love does not want to love me anymore. And she replied, "Then go to the one who loves you."

Didn't know it was so evident.

Meanwhile, i still am not sure if i should forget J or not... First step is to figure out what my answer would be if down the road he wants to get back. I'm hesitant to move on because i keep hoping that he will come back to me but then again what if he doesn't? And seems most likely so, which is why i also feel i should move on. I don't want to hurt B too. Sometimes i wonder how i even got into this triangle. I definitely didn't initiate it. Up till now i tell B that i fell into things with him and it is all his fault ( jokingly ). He doesn't know about J though. But i thought of B as a friend and then suddenly he moved in on me. And that is why i feel so guilty for not stopping things.

Well... another week of work coming up. It's nice that it's a short week. :) The thought of spending the Chinese New Year with J brings back warm feelings... however this year it's not going to happen. Part of me wants him back so badly but part of me feels it's better this way too.
Can't understand myself sometimes... my mind is just so messy.

And i'm hardly 21.

Last night

2008-01-25T19:30:00.000-08:00

The week passed so quickly but it wasn't smooth sailing. J got admitted into the sick bay in camp for 2 days and i couldn't contact him. No response when i text messaged him or called. I got worried, thinking there was a possibility he found out about stuff and was really angry.

Turns out he was staying in the medical centre for 2 days without anything to do. Not sure if that was a good thing or not, because he must have had alot of time to think about us.

Us is no more, and i'm devastated. Last night after i got home, i called him up and we talked about things on the phone. He asked about my work and whether i'm happy about it. I thought for awhile and told him in general yes, only problem is that i'm worried about my health ( because long hours and stress is part of the job ). He then asked if i'm happy about our relationship. I didn't know what to say, because i could feel that the conversation was steering to something i am afraid of. I asked him what he meant, and he said he felt that things haven't been improving.

Last time we almost broke up, i think the reason being lack of communication and that he was in army and i was at work - and distracted with B - i could not bear the pain of not being together with him. He had said that he loves me more than i can ever imagine ( however right now i don't know if that has changed ) and i knew that the feeling was mutual. We decided to continue trying and he must have started thinking of strategies to improve things between us.

Back to last night, he realised that the strategies didn't work and told me that things are bad, situation remaining just as before. He said that the communication didn't work, he opened up that he thought he was weird because he is more towards the quiet side, and that he has tried but sometimes he really can't find things to talk to me about. I told him maybe perhaps he is trying to handle the situation like a math problem or a case study. I said that relationships are not so technical, you can't analyse them and just simply find a solution, we have to work things out and it's all about the individuals.

Now the thing i like but at the same time dislike about J is that he is so practical. I wondered if he was really willing to sacrifice his feelings just so that he would feel released from this whole situation. This morning, i am still wondering if he has found someone better. I asked him before, what if he liked someone else, he replied that he doesn't even have the time for another person. I know that he isn't the untrue type, but at this stage i wouldn't blame him if someone else provides him with the comfort he seeks.

He continued saying that perhaps we'll work out after army, because in the mean time it doesn't look likely. Because i end work late, my weekdays are practically burnt and i only have weekends left to split my time up with him and my friends. That was the excuse i gave to him. It's not untrue, but also a lie because i had to squeeze time in for B as well. He said he really likes me but we don't seem to be working out and he would like to be friends and not let things get worse. I don't know how that is going to work. I don't know what to do. But i know that i'm even willing to give up B just for him.

I felt so terrible. I cried myself to sleep thought it seemed like i wasn't able to get any. This morning i told my best guy friend JL how i felt. It is all my fault. I created the problem and now i regret it. When you love somebody, hold on to them and treasure them. Don't give in to temptations. Love them like you'll never see them again.

Torn between two lovers

2008-01-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight i went out with B after work. Had a cosy dinner and after which he sent me home, like he always does. When we were walking out to hail a taxi, it started to pour very suddenly and we had to take shelter. When we did manage to hail a taxi, we had to walk unsheltered in the rain a little to the road and because it was raining so heavily he took off his jacket and asked me to cover myself with it while he walked in the rain. It's the little sweet things he does that leaves me addicted. The way he treats me is so different from the way J does. He appreciates me as i am, i can feel it in the way he touches me and looks at me. I feel special like how i'm supposed to feel with a man. Although he isn't perfect in the looks department ( however he still manages to look good ), i can't deny that i am attracted to him and that we have awesome chemistry and are rather compatible. I am currently 20 and he is 28.

Then on the other side, J, caring and thoughtful whom i know always has my best interest in the things he does is almost the opposite in personality, with boyish good looks and follows his head more than his heart. I feel as if i cannot ever let him go. I have considered ending things with him but the thought of it hurts me so much. We were going through a rough patch when B came into the picture and i fell into things with him, but now that things are stabilising with J, i know i have to come to a decision soon.

That, i have no idea what it would be. Only time will tell. People have told me to take it slowly and really think things through. However in the mean time i feel really guilty especially towards J because we have been together for almost 21 months. He is my age and i do look forward to going through life's experiences together with him. He is in the army currently while i have started working. ( My working life and education is another story. )

I never thought i would be torn between two lovers. It isn't even a case of choosing the "better" man, in terms of wealth and status to me. I am not holding on to them selfishly and without sparing a thought for their feelings while trying to make a decision. What if i said it's because i really love both of them and can't bear to let any go? Given a choice, i would not hurt any of them. Spending time with them is a deadly mixture of heartache and bliss.

The purpose of this post is to admit that i am unfaithful. But it is also to declare that i am not proud of it at all and my intention is not to victimise any of them. I have been crying myself to sleep often. This confession would also put in place the stepping stone for me to sort things out from here because without addressing the problem i will never be able to solve it.

I have alot to learn about myself and what i want. It is true that the most important thing is self understanding, and then comes self worth and forgiveness.

Confessions of the day

2008-01-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

1. I have two boyfriends
2. I don't know which one to let go - very confused.
3. I feel very bad about it, not to mention guilty.

The start of another beginning

2008-01-14T00:45:00.000-08:00

I'm not looking for fame, or love or empathy.
I just thought it would be nice being able to write without identity, to sing without a song, to share without criticism.

I have had personal blogs before, but they were all about me.

This one is different because i will remain Incognito, it is no longer about the superficial me but my state of being and my society.